


I Wish I Didn't Love You (But I Do)

by Daaishi



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 10:59:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5245784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daaishi/pseuds/Daaishi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan distanced himself from Phil, only he didn't realise that could be catastrophical.</p><p>Songfic for 'Lightning' by Little Mix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish I Didn't Love You (But I Do)

_I'd cross a desert and an ocean_

_To get away from the pain of your storm_

_But chase the sunlight, been running from your shadow_

_So that I could heal and I didn’t breathe_

 

Dan wanted to get rid of all of his feelings, just throw them all out the window and forget. Forget Phil, forget the six years he spent with him, the six years he woke up to his kisses, the six years they cooked together, the six years they laughed at everything and nothing, the six years they danced clumsily to any music or no music playing.

 

It hurt so much to think about him. And, as if throwing salt in the wound, he was left alone in their flat, no, his flat. Phil had taken all of his stuff and left. Dan had been so stupid to let him go. After all, it was his fault they had broken up. Dan had distanced himself from Phil, focused more on danisnotonfire than Dan Howell. During the tour, he was always ‘too busy’ to be with him, they booked rooms with separate beds in case someone from the hotel recognized them, and it wasn’t the same, nothing was. He missed him, he really did, though he didn't show it, and that had been the last straw for Phil.

 

_They were finally home, after the exhausting tour. Dan had missed his sofa crease and his browsing position, so he tried to make the most of coming back by being unproductive, like he usually was. Except, he hadn't realised at the time that something had changed between him and Phil, not until it was too late to save what had been built._

_  
_

_“Dan? Can we talk?”_

_  
_

_He straightened himself on the couch slightly and looked up from his laptop._

_  
_

_“What is it, Phil?”_

_  
_

_Dan's words came out harsher than he had intended._

 

_“You’ve been so… distant, lately. Do you, um, not feel like you used to?”_

_  
_

_He made the mistake of looking at Phil’s face. His eyes were so sad, close to tears, that he felt his heart shatter in thousands of small pieces, and there would be no way he could put it all back together. It hurt so much to see his electric blue eyes tired and depressed. He couldn’t handle it._

 

That zig-zag shooting through my heart

That zig-zag hit me like a dart

Electricity, electricity

Oh, this love's tearing me apart

I been running like the light from the dark

Oh, electricity keeps on hitting me

 

_“W-what? No, Phil, what are you talking about?”_

_  
_

_He set his laptop aside and looked into his eyes again, trying not to cry himself._

_  
_

_“Well, you didn’t even talk to me during the tour, always saying that you were ‘too busy’ to spend time doing nothing, but we’ve been come for three days and you haven’t even kissed me once. I just… do you think we should… b-break up?”_

_  
_

_Dan stood silent. Phil was right, he had grown away from him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t love him anymore. He wanted to scream that yes, Phil, I still love you, I always will, I don’t want to break up, but suddenly, he wasn’t so sure. He had always felt that Phil was too good for him, and he was just proven that. He bit his lip and looked at the floor._

_  
_

_“So… that’s a yes?”_

_  
_

_“Phil, I…”_

_  
_

_But he didn’t continue his thought. Phil stormed out of the lounge and Dan heard him packing. He didn’t stop him. He couldn’t bring himself to. He realised that Phil would be better off without him, so he let him go. He heard the front door slamming shut. He didn’t get up. The tears welling in Dan’s eyes were finally freed and sobs escaped his throat. He cried it all out, but that couldn’t bring his boyfriend--now ex-boyfriend--back._

 

He tried to stop himself from remembering the other night again, but he couldn’t. He lay down on Phil’s bed, which still smelled of him. He hadn’t wanted it to end, but he knew it was too late. He wept on Phil’s pillow and tried not to destroy the smell. There were too many memories on this bed, it all hurt so much.

 

_Oh lightning strikes twice_

_And it burns like ice_

_I wish I didn't love you again_

_Lightning strikes twice_

_And it burns so nice_

_I wish I didn't love you_

_But I do._

 

He really did love Phil. He was his favourite person in the world, he couldn’t live without him. He wanted not to love Phil so much, he wanted to escape the prison that was his heart right now. He wanted to be free from the curse of love, but could he really? Phil was probably so much better off now that he had confirmation that Dan didn’t want him or need him anymore, which wasn’t true, as Phil was everything he needed and everything he wanted.

 

He contemplated whether he should call Phil or not, but decided against. He probably wouldn’t answer anyway.

 

And so, the worst month in Dan Howell’s life began.

 

It had all become a routine. Wake up, eat, browse the internet, eat, watch TV, eat, sleep, repeat. He filmed videos too, but none of them ended up quite right, so he didn’t upload anything. He did check Phil’s channel, but he didn’t post anything either. No word of any of them on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, they were nowhere to be seen. He was wondering if Phil was actually having a hard time sometimes, but instantly brushed it off. He couldn’t risk falling in love again, with the chance that Phil might, somehow, forgive him.

 

One day, though, he found himself watching Phil’s older videos, the ones he had privated long ago but allowed Dan access to. He looked at the comments and saw his lovestruck eighteen year old self trying to get noticed by Phil. He smiled slightly, remembering those times.

 

_Those eyes were looking, I'm enchanted_

_Your voice it serenades, and it sings to my heart_

_One kiss, turned the skies to gray_

_I'll never get away, no shelter from the rain_

 

Even in low quality videos, Phil’s eyes still looked beautiful and Dan couldn’t stop watching them move with emotion every time his lips turned upwards into a smile. His laugh was mesmerizing too, echoing in his mind.

 

He watched the first ‘Phil is not on fire’ video, which was an even bigger mistake. That was the day Phil had taken him to the Manchester Eye, where they shared their first kiss. It was all so vivid, still, even after six years. Saying he had had butterflies in his stomach wouldn’t be enough. There had been a tornado inside him, more appropriately. Then, they had gone to Phil’s house, where they made love for the first time, which also happened to be Dan’s first time with another guy.

 

His friends started calling him, asking him what happened, but he couldn’t tell them. He announced on Twitter, eventually, that he would be taking a break from videos because he needed time for himself. He felt bad. His fans, their fans, were concerned, and they had every right to. After all, none of them were doing anything on any kind of social media. They were speculating that they had broken up and every tweet containing the phrase ‘break-up’ reminded him that him and Phil were, in fact, over, never happening again.

 

_Every time that I hear your name, oh_

_Baby all the pleasure, the pain_

 

Phil finally tweeted something. Dan’s phone buzzed with the notification and he hurried to see the tweet.

 

**This past month has been really hectic. I will eventually go back to making videos, but I need some time for myself. I’m sorry.**

 

“Past month?” he whispered to himself.

 

Had it really been a month since they had split up? He checked the date. December 15th. It had, in fact, almost been a month since the incident. Christmas was coming up too, but he just didn’t feel like doing anything festive, which was bad, as he was usually very excited for Christmas. His friends stopped calling him too at some point, and he was kind of relieved that he didn’t have to explain himself anymore.

 

He then received a text. From Phil.

 

**Phil: The ‘I’m sorry’ was for you, you know.**

 

He read it over a few times, making sure he was understanding it right. Phil apparently knew that Dan was still seeing his tweets and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. What was Phil apologising for anyway? He had done nothing wrong. Dan was the asshole who didn’t do anything to stop him from leaving.

 

**Dan: im the one who should be sorry**

 

Phil texted back immediately.

 

**Phil: I miss you, Dan.**

**  
**

**Dan: i miss you too**

 

He didn’t receive a reply for a few minutes, so he decided to take it into his own hands to, hopefully, fix them and their relationship. He was, for a moment, quite hopeful. He hit the call button. No turning back now.

 

Phil picked up on the fourth ring, making it seem like he hesitated to answer.

 

“Phil? I’m so sorry.”

 

“I’m also sorry, Dan. I shouldn’t have left.”

 

“I shouldn’t have let you leave. It was all my fault.”

 

“Do you feel like you used to now?”

 

Flashbacks of the horrible night of the break up hit him once again.

 

“I… I never stopped, to be honest. I just thought that if we broke up, you’d find someone better, someone who loves you unconditionally and isn’t ‘too busy’ for you. You deserve so much more, Phil. You’re an actual ray of sunshine and all I ever do is hurt you.”

 

Phil sobbed.

 

“Dan, I… I’m coming over,” he said and hung up.

 

Dan wanted to call back, tell him not to come over, but he needed Phil back. It wasn’t a desire. He had to have Phil back.

 

About half an hour later, Phil entered the flat and looked for Dan, who was in the lounge, curled up in a ball in front of the sofa.

 

“D-Dan?”

 

Dan looked at him and Phil helped him get up, pulling him into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry, Dan, will you forgive me? I can’t live without you,” Phil said, slowly caressing his back.

 

“I’m the one who should be asking for forgiveness, you spork. I was the one who let you go in the first place. I acted like I didn’t care, which I certainly did. Will you forgive me?”

 

“Of course. Now shut up and kiss me, I need it. I don’t know how I lasted without you for a month, honestly.”

 

And he did. They kissed and suddenly the rest of the world didn’t matter anymore. The moment their lips met was the moment they once again realised how much they loved each other.

 

_O Fortuna_

_Velut luna_

_Statu variabilis_

_Semper crescis_

_Aut decrescis_

_Vita detestabilis_

_  
_

_But I do._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The Latin at the end pretty much translates to "oh fortune, like the moon, changeable, you always strengthen or weaken; a detestable life." (unless I got that completely wrong and I'm sorry if I did) 
> 
> Thanks for reading, feedback is appreciated! This was my first phanfic ^^


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